Because You Are Alive, Everything is Possible with Megan McKinnon
Megan McKinnon is a 28 year Graphic Designer living in San Francisco, CA. She got sober when she was 25 and has recently began her training to become a Certified Life Coach. Megan was a blackout drinker, daily pot smoker and struggled with an eating disorder for 8 years. She never imagined sobriety and recovery would be part of her journey. But to her surprise, a life beyond measures was waiting for her on the other end! Megan is very open about her recovery and hopes that her story can help other people not feel alone with their struggles.
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You can catch Megan on Instagram: meganmckinnonnn. Follow me on Instagram @alexmcrobs and check out my offerings in yoga, meditation and coaching at http://themindfullifepractice.com/live-schedule.
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Transcript
Intro
Welcome to the "Sober Yoga Girl" podcast with Alex McRobs, international yoga teacher and sober coach. I broke up with booze for good in 2019.And now I'm here to help others do the same. You're not alone and a sober life can be fun and fulfilling. Let me show you how.
Alex
All right. Hello, everyone. And welcome back to another episode of "Sober Yoga Girl". I am super excited to have Megan McKinnon with me here today. And Megan is a student at Life Purpose Institute, which is where I did my Life coach certification two years ago. And so she is now in the same process, and she is also three years sober. So. Hi, Megan. How are you?
Megan
Hello. I'm doing well. Thank you so much for having me on your show.
Alex
I'm so happy you're here. And it's so nice to finally meet you.
Megan
Yeah, absolutely. I know during Covid we've been able to kind of, like, connect over Facebook and just the outcare little community page. And. Yeah, it's been awesome.
Alex
So amazing. So tell me a bit about yourself before we get started. You know, where do you live? Who are you? And kind of what are your interests?
Megan
Yeah, absolutely. So right now, I currently live in San Francisco. I've been here since 2016. Moved to the city shortly after graduating from College. 28 years old and originally from Sacramento. Yeah. Professionally, I'm a graphic designer and kind of production designer. Right now, I'm working for just a retail company in the Bay Area, and outside of that is kind of more of my you know, normal life or whatnot. I just enjoy you know, such like, an active lifestyle, doing things outside. You know, love to go like snowboarding and just like hanging with friends, you know, pretty, like, standard nothing too crazy. But yeah, I think just you know, taking full advantage of living in the Bay Area and all that comes with that and yeah.
Alex
Amazing. You're 28. I just turned 29 a few months ago. Are you 1992 or 1993?
Megan
93.
Alex
Oh 93. Okay. Cool. Awesome. So tell me a bit about your relationship with drinking. So when did you start drinking and what influenced your drinking habits?
Megan
Yes. So I started drinking when I was 16 or 17. I still remember like the moment I decided to drink for the first time. And I will say that there are alcoholism is on both sides of my family, and it's been something that my mom had kind of warned me about. But you know, being a teenager, you don't really understand how that really is going to influence your drinking. But I do have my grandfather, he's been sober for X amount of years and so I knew that it was kind of like in the genes. When I started drinking, you know it's pretty, it was fun. Like, I was super involved in school, had always played sports, and it really wasn't something that like I felt I was missing out on yet it was just kind of like a junior year in high school and just decided to drink at a house party. It was pretty calm in the beginning in the sense of just you know, high school drinking and just what that looks like. But I can definitely see like, once I got to College like, those consequences started happening and looking back on it just like my whole relationship and perspective and mindset around drugs and alcohol has never been you know, considered normal, which I can go into detail there. But just kind of if you want me to elaborate on any of that or yeah, just kind of go from there.
Alex
Yeah, tell me about that. Like, what do you mean? What major drinking not normal.
Megan
So I always-- I have no moderation when I drink and looking at it now, I can just totally see that I don't have that off switch that I think some people are able to do and that can be really scary. And for me, it's like the minute that I decide to start drinking or start smoking weed or doing any type of drugs. I'm not going to stop until I'm either blacked out or I've passed out. And it's just into this like phase of oblivion. And I can just totally like I remember in high school I never wanted to drink beer. I always wanted to just go straight to the hard alcohol because I just knew that that was going to get me drunk faster. And you know, I never drink just for the taste. I always drink for like the effect. And it's still something now that I you know, I'll notice in my friends of them just being able to enjoy a glass of wine or enjoy one beer and be able to just cut it off. And I just think to myself, I never drink that way. Like, I was always drinking to get drunk. Like, isn't that the whole point? And, you know, just different behaviors in the sense of this whole idea of moderation, you know, I could be at a girl friend's house having dinner or I could be a Thanksgiving or a football game. And like, the level of how drunk I'm going to get is always going to be the same. There's no chill at all. And just like, being able to look back on that, I have no control over like what happens to me when I put any sort of substance into my body and I can get really scary. It's the reason why I had to make that decision to soft, because you know, towards the end, just finding myself in these situations that were extremely dangerous and scary and alone. And that girl that I used to be in high school or middle school or growing up, she had completely like she was gone, and it was just yeah, it was really scary.
Alex
And I can so relate to honestly what you're talking about. I did a post recently where I was posting about I was talking about violence against women and how much safer I feel in Abu Dhabi. And then I had this really interesting epiphany. After I made the post, I was like, okay, yeah Abu Dhabi is known as one of the safest cities in the world, so that is one aspect of it. But also I'm sober, so the way I move through the world and the way I experience the world is so different than when I was drunk. Because when I was drunk, I was putting myself, just as you described in these dangerous situations. And I'm just so fortunate that you know, nothing really terrible happen to me. But when you know, you're out of control and you're unaware of your surroundings, you just end up in more vulnerable places.
Megan
Absolutely. And you're in places and situations that sober self, like your true natural self, would never put yourself in those scenarios. You know, when I was living in San Francisco, that's really like when my drinking escalated. And you know, it's like I'm no longer in my College town where I'm familiar with the surroundings or it's safe to be blacked out and stumble home. It's like now I'm in a big city, and I was finding myself coming out of blackouts, driving my car--
Alex
Oh my God.
Megan
Waking up-- and right? It's horrible. And I go out the next morning. You know, I'd have to flash that's the remembering of coming to behind the wheel on a busy street in the city, black out again. And I would come to the next morning, and I have that image in my head, and I have to go out and check my car to make sure I didn't hit anyone. That I didn't you know, that there wasn't damage to my car. You know, there are scenarios when I would wake up in different town. Like one time, I woke up in Pacifica and didn't have my phone or wallet. And I'm just internally grateful that nothing seriously happened. You know, It's something I don't take lightly because I hear situations and stories of people who it doesn't always work out. And, like, something--
Alex
Yeah.
Megan
Life changing really does have to take place. And I just don't take for granted all the time that like, something was out there just kind of like protecting me in a way. And I feel like that's why sobriety and talking about recovery is so you know, it's so important to me. It's because I don't wanna-- want to help as many people as I can not feel alone, especially women and people that get sober when they're younger to not feel like so you know, the alone thing, but also be hard on themselves because it can be such a it's a lot to deal with if you don't have a community around you.
Alex
Yeah. Absolutely. I completely agree.
Megan
Yeah.
Alex
So tell me about how did your drinking escalate over time.
Megan
Yeah. I mean, I totally can see how this is a progressive disease. And you know, there's the same, that it's fun. It's fun with problems. And then it's just problems. And that definitely kind of sums up what kind of happened to me. And you know, over the course of College, I can already see I I went to the hospital one time because of my drinking and my College graduation was a complete disaster. And I can just like look back and see all these pivotal moments that should have been, like the writing on the wall. But for me, it's just it was like that was just a bad night. That was like, I feel horrible. I apologize. I'll never do that again. And then just overlook the course of situations happening. And just like, the progressiveness. Like, I couldn't-- it wasn't like fun anymore. You know, it just became this thing in my life where like every time I went out and drank, something happened. And I think I was fighting for so long to just have a normal night. Like, I just wanted to go out with my friends, to not black out, to just keep it together.
Alex
Yeah.
Megan
And I was in that cycle for so long thinking that like I just had to find the perfect combination. I just had to find the perfect dinner to eat before going out so that I wouldn't black out or I needed to find the right alcohol, or I needed to mix this with that. I'll smoke before, and then I'll just drink beer tonight. And then I was looking for this perfect formula to just have a normal night out with my friends. And I never found that. It just resulted in me having worse blackouts. More of the isolation. And quite frankly, people were just getting really tired of going out with me, of the apologies of just having to dealing with me when I choose to drink. And it wasn't funny anymore. Like in College, it was funny. Like, everyone's blacking out, everyone's you know, having those crazy nights.
Alex
Yeah.
Megan
I used to love the stories the next morning, and at the end of it, no one's laughing. I'm not laughing. I'm really confused on what's going on. And you know, unfortunately, it got to a place with my friends and family where they're like, we don't really want you in our lives right now if this is how you're going to choose to behave.
Alex
Wow.
Megan
And that was a really hard place in my life because people kept asking me, why do you keep getting this way? Why after what happened last weekend, how could you black out again? And I almost-- I had no answer for anyone. I'm like, I wish I knew what was going on. Like, I wish I knew how to change this or to not ruin your evening. I mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever it is. I have no control or clue over what is happening. And that progressiveness. I was in this place of just not knowing what to do anymore. And I just, like, had this envision of myself being in my 30s or being, like, later in life and still blacking out because I was just like, I started to just accept that this is how I drink.
Alex
Yeah.
Megan
And I started to accept that just like, I'm done trying because nothing is working. So I guess this is just how life is going to be. And that was really, really hard to just envision that. Like, this was it, you know?
Alex
Yeah. So tell me about your journey getting sober. Like, what was that like?
Megan
Yeah. So sobriety was not my first idea. You know, like I said, I was trying to find every formula to make drinking and doing drugs work and not doing any of that. That was crazy thought. Like, I'm at least going to always be smoking weed. Like, come on, it's just getting high. And my decision to get sober came after just, like all those attempts, like I mentioned, like, being in that cycle for a really long time of I'll try this, I'll try that. You know, all those like rules and all these ideas that we have and sobriety was kind of like that last option. And it had gotten to a place where I couldn't really hide anymore from people. Like, what was going on. I don't think people really knew, actually, how much I was struggling with this. And I was like keeping this to myself. I would look myself in the mirror before going out with friends. And I would say, like, just keep it together tonight. Let's just you know, don't-- let's just have a good night. Like, come on. You got this, like, almost trying to put myself up. And then I would go out, I start drinking. I black out. And it's just about homeless. I wasn't letting people know how much I was trying to you know just, like, get better, I guess. And sobriety for me, it happened. Okay. I have kind of a little story if you want me to tell you.
Alex
Absolutely.
Megan
Okay. So, fortunately, unfortunately, I look at as a gift my parents were part of my bottom. And there was one night when I was in San Francisco. And there were these two guys that were visiting from the Netherlands. And it was there last night. I was like, oh, my gosh. Let's go out. Let's go have some drinks. Let's go have fun. And the last thing I remember is being with them and their RV that they had rented. And it was over by one of the Marina district in the city. And that's last thing that I remember, and I come-- I wake up the next morning and to my mom calling me, and she's saying, I was still drunk that when I woke up. And she's saying, are you not going to work this morning? Do you remember what happened last night? And I'm you know, really confused. And she informs me that my dad had driven down from Sacramento into the city last night to come get me because I had passed out with these guys. I was basically unconscious. They tapped into my cell phone and called my parents at about one in the morning and let them know that we have your daughter. She's unconscious. We're not even from here. We don't know what to do. And my dad gets in the car and he comes and he able to find them. And he finds me and my mom's telling me all this. And I have no idea what she's talking about. And I lost it just to think that, like, one I was even in that situation. That situation was nothing new to me. I've been in that type of thing before, but the fact that my parents had to be involved in that. I mean, I'm so lucky for those two guys. Like, it's actually kind of crazy. Like, I'm friends with one of them on Facebook, and he and I are still in touch. And I share with him that I'm sober. And you know, it's just, like, amazing that, like, nothing happened. But, you know, after that, I-- you know, and that was the point where my parents were like, this is completely out of control. You're going to rehab all this stuff. My solution to that whole situation was, like, okay, I'm not drinking. Obviously, I need to stop drinking. But just to backpedal a little bit before, because that night changed my life. I am just so internally grateful that my dad cared enough just to, like, come down. And my relationship with my parents today is amazing. It's so awesome. Like, I couldn't picture better relationship to have with the two of them. And those are the living events that I get to make because I'm sober because I never, ever want to put them in that fear or just in that like scenario. But that's how I drink. Like that's what happens like this is such, am I drinking affects so many different people just besides myself. And you know, I stopped drinking for about a month, and I thought that I was healed after that. You know, it's like that's crazy thinking of, like, well, nothing bad happened. I guess I'm good to start drinking again. And I was done with hard alcohol. So I was only going to be drinking beer, that was my plan. And I went out with two of my friends from high school in the city. I started drinking again. We did some other stuff as well. And I got completely blacked out and came to sitting around a table with them and then looking at me and just going, like, what the hell? How did you get like this again after what had just happened with your parents? You have an issue. You know, you have a problem with drinking, and you're not going to remember this conversation, and you need, like, serious help. And I will never forget like the two like, the looks on both of their faces of just being completely done.
Alex
Yeah.